BASIC RULES FOR DRIVING IN KINGSTON

1. Turn signals will give away your next move. A real Kingston driver never uses them.

2. Under no circumstance should you leave a safe distance between you and the car in front of you, or the space will be filled in by somebody else, putting you in an even more dangerous situation.

3. The faster you drive through a red light, the smaller the chance you have of getting hit.

4. Never, ever come to a complete stop at a stop sign. No one expects it and it will result in you being rear-ended.

5. Never get in the way of an older car that needs extensive bodywork. The other guy doesn't have anything to lose.

6. Braking is to be done as hard and late as possible to ensure that your ABS kicks in, giving a nice, relaxing foot massage as the brake pedal pulsates. For those of you without ABS, it's a chance to stretch your legs.

7. Never pass on the right when you can pass on the left. It's a good way to scare people for a laugh.

8. Speed limits are arbitrary figures, given only as a suggestion and are apparently not enforceable in Kingston.

9. Just because you're in the right lane and have no room to speed up or move over doesn't mean that a Kingston driver flashing his high beams behind you doesn't think he can go faster in your spot.

10. Always slow down and rubberneck when you see an accident or even someone changing a tire.

11. Learn to swerve abruptly. Kingston is the home of the high-speed 'dally' , thanks to the KSAC, which puts pot-holes in key locations to test drivers' reflexes and keep them on their toes.

12. It is traditional in Kingston to honk your horn at cars that don't move the instant the light turns green.

13. Remember that the goal of every Kingston driver is to get there first --by whatever means necessary.

THE SECRET TO A LONG JAMAICAN MARRIAGE

At St. Andrew Parish Church, they have a weekly husbands' marriage seminar. At the session last week, Father asked Rufus, who was approaching his 50th wedding anniversary, to take a few minutes and share some insight into how he had managed to stay married to the same woman all these years.

Rufus replied to the assembled husbands - "Well, mi try treat har real nice, treat her with respeck, spend money on her, and best of all, mi tek her to Cuba for wi 25th anniversary!"

The Priest responded, "Rufus, you are an amazing inspiration to all the husbands here! Please tell us what you are planning for your wife for your 50th anniversary ..."

Rufus proudly responded, "Well, mi ah go back to Cuba fi har."

SMART JAMAICAN

A young Jamaican man walks into a bank in New York City and asks for the loan officer. He tells the loan officer that he is going to Jamaica on a vacation for two weeks and needs to borrow $5,000.

The bank officer tells him that the bank will need some form of security for the loan, so the Jamaican man hands over the keys to a new brand BMW 740i.

The car is parked on the street in front of the bank. The Jamaican produces the title and everything checks out. The loan officer agrees to accept the car as collateral for the loan.

The bank’s president and its officers all enjoy a good laugh at the Jamaican for using a $80,000 BMW as collateral against a $5,000 loan.

An employee of the bank then drives the BMW into the bank’s underground garage and parks it there.

Two weeks later, the Jamaican man returns, repays the $5,000 and the interest, which comes to $15.41.

The loan officer says, “Sir, we are very happy to have had your business, and this transaction has worked out very nicely, but we are a little puzzled. While you were away, we checked you out and found that you are a successful business man. What puzzles us is, why would you bother to borrow $5,000?"

The Jamaican replies: "Where else in New York City can I park my car for two weeks for only $15.41 and expect it to be there when I return?"

JAMAICAN POLITICIANS' LIE CLOCK

A man died and went to Heaven. As he stood in front of the Pearly Gates, he saw a huge wall of clocks behind him. He asked St. Peter, "Wah dem clock deh fah?"

St. Peter answered, "Those are Lie-Clocks. Everyone has a Lie-Clocks. Every time you tell a lie, the hands on your clock move." "Oh, OK", said the man.

"So who fah clock dat?" he asked pointing to a gold clock on the wall. "That's Mother Teresa's", replied St. Peter. "The hands have never moved, indicating that she never told a lie."

"Eh heh?", said the man. "And who fah clock is dat one?" he asked again, pointing to a huge silver clock on the wall. St. Peter responded, "That's Abraham Lincoln's clock. The hands have moved twice, telling us that Abraham told only two lies in his entire life."

"So whey the clock dem of some Jamaican politician dey?" asked the man. "Those? They're using them in hell as ceiling fans."

DIVIDING THE OFFERING

The American said, "Whenever I collect the offering and the service is through, after church I put the money in a box, go outside, take a stick and draw a line on the floor and throw the money in the air. Whatever falls on the right is for the Lord and whatever falls on the left is mine."

The Chinese said, "I put money in box, I dont draw line - I draw circle! I stand in center, throw box wit money in air- whatever fall on outside is mine and what fall inside is for Lord."

The Jamaican then replied "Mi naw draw a circle, mi naw draw a line. All I do is put de money inna a box and fling it inna de air ... whateva de Lawd want, him betta grab it fast cause what drop on de groung a fi mi.

JAMAICAN HELL

A man dies and goes to hell. He discovers thatthere are different Hells for each country of the world.

First he goes to the German Hell and asks what they dothere. First, they put you in an electric chair for anhour. Then they lay you on a bed of nails for an hour. Thenthe German Devil comes in and whips you for the rest of theday. The man doesn't like this Hell so he moves on.

He goes to the US Hell, the Canadian Hell, and the UK Hell, anddiscovers that they are all the same. Finally, he comesacross a very long line of people waiting to get in andasks, 'Which Hell is this?'

Someone tells him, 'A Jamaican Hell dis.' 'What do they do inhere?' he asks. 'Well, fus dem put you pon electricchair, then dem lay you pon a bed of nails for an hour, thende Jamaican Devil come an whip yu ass fi de res of deday!' 'But that is just like all the other Hells,' The man said. 'Why is the line so long?' ''Cause inna de Jamaican Hell, the current always lock off, the electric chair naah wuk, sumbady tief di nail dem, and di Jamaican Devil a rhattid public servant, so him come in an' punch him time card, den go a Rum Bar fi play domino fi di rest a di day!